The Jesus Factor

I don't feel like writing about any of the things on The List tonight; I feel like writing about the thing that informs them, the thing that really informs everything for me right now.

I'll admit that it's somewhat cheesy, but it is true, as Dale puts it -- everything would be much simpler if it weren't for The Jesus Factor. It's kind of like the "on paper" perspective: On paper, my life is perfect. I have everything I should want. And I do appreciate the good fortune I've had; it's not a matter of being ungrateful. It's the fact that it isn't enough. Having these things I'm "supposed" to have isn't enough for me. I want more. I want to do more, be more, feel more, make more of a difference. I want my actions, my life, to be meaningful.

And it's all because of Jesus -- that sense of being called to something higher, having some greater force to answer to, wanting to live like he did. If it weren't for The Jesus Factor, I think I would be about 98% satisfied with my life right now. But because of it, I know I'll never be satisfied; I'll always be striving to do more, to keep struggling and growing into who I am called to be, who I was made to be. And no, this isn't necessarily a bad thing, especially in the end; I know that. But in the moment, it sure is annoying, especially during these times when I am so desperately seeking direction, vision, purpose, and clarity -- and having such trouble finding it.


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"All we've got to show what we really are is the same kind of scars. And looking at you, all I see is you're waiting for something, single file. . ." - Elliott Smith

Presence

When I told KJ I wanted to unlpug for the weekend I was going to be in Greeley, he was pumped. He said it would be great because it would allow me to be "fully" there.

It's so true. How many times am I doing one thing but thinking about another? How often am I with one person but checking my phone to see if another has contacted me? So much that I feel I'm rarely fully there, actually present doing any one thing. At work, I'm always doing 400 things at once, in the middle of lots of different projects, carrying on IM conversations with five people, drafting three or four emails at any given moment. Even when I'm at home, I'm simultaneously checking my email, watching TV, playing with Snaut, cooking dinner, or whatever else. How can I really be doing any of these things well if I'm trying to do them all at once?

Multitasking is a good skill to have, but I feel that I've gotten too good at it. I can juggle so many things at once that I don't know how to just focus on one anymore. Sitting and making myself just read or just write has become difficult; I get antsy when I try to do one thing, start to finish. Just like savoring the moment, I need to slow down, to re-learn how to focus.

I feel that being present is most important with people, though, that I need to cultivate this most in my relationships. When I am spending time with someone, I want to be fully there, intentional about spending that time with that person, focusing on that person and our relationship. I hope to receive that kind of presence from the people in my life, and there's absolutely no excuse for me to not give it to them.


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"And I just want to stand outside and know that this is right, and this is true, and I will not fade into, fade into the night." - The Eels

Savoring the Moment

In college I had a good friend named Arun who would suck down Frappuccinos like they were water. Not the milkshake-type things you actually get at Starbucks, but the chocolatey/coffeey/milky drink in the little glass bottles that you get at the convenience store. Many a night during freshman year, he would buy one at the 7-11 on the first floor of our dorm, pop it open, and down it in like three long gulps, 30 seconds total. I didn't understand it. Whenever I got one, I would gingerly sip it and try to make it last as long as possible -- it was a treat, and I wanted to enjoy it. I used to yell at him whenever he'd drink one, chiding him for not "savoring" it. How can you even taste something, let alone enjoy it, when you consume it that fast?

The way I've been living my life over the past few months has been like the way Arun drank Frappuccinos. I've just been running down to the 7-11 to get one, sucking it down, and moving on to the next thing so quickly that I don't even realize what I've just done, I don't even know what it tasted like. Get up, get ready for work, go to work, multitask all day and eat lunch at my desk, come home, make dinner, rush to some social activity, rush home, go to bed. It's not that I don't enjoy the social activities, and it's not that I don't at least occasionally enjoy work -- it's just the fact that my mind is going so many miles an hour while I'm doing all of these things that I'm not really, truly appreciating the fact that I am doing any of them.

At the risk of dragging the metaphor on too far, I want to savor my Frappuccinos; I want to be able to tell the difference between Mocha and Vanilla. I want to enjoy the things I'm doing and the company of the people I'm doing them with, to decide intentionally how to spend my time and then intentionally savor that time. I want to focus on what I'm doing, when I'm doing it, and give it the attention it deserves. The hardest part is just letting myself slow down enough to enjoy any given moment -- to put aside thoughts and worries about what else is going on, what I have to do next, what I have to do in a week, so that I can focus on whatever I'm doing right then.


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"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." -Matthew 6:34

Blogging As An Exercise In Self-Discipline

I just spent a weekend unplugged: no computer, no internet, no cell phone. I don't know when the last time was I did this. . .perhaps never. But I've been feeling too available lately, too tethered, allowing various (oft superficial) interactions to take up too much of my time and energy. I've been lacking direction, feeling stagnant. I've been moving too fast, doing too much multitasking and not enough enjoying the moment I'm in, in both mind and body. I'm doing so much that I'm not actually doing any of it. I'm never sitting still. I'm never listening.

The weekend was fantastic. In my down time, instead of texting or checking my email or browsing Facebook or Yelp, I actually sat and read or wrote or thought or listened. It's incredible what that slowing down the pace of your life will do for perspective. (Being in the company of an old friend who has always inspired and challenged me is immensely helpful, as well. And traveling 1,200 miles from the distractions of normal life doesn't hurt, I guess, but I believe it's mostly a mental thing.) I have a new clarity, a new sense of purpose and vision, a very new sense of calm. I asked and received, sought and found, knocked and had the door opened unto me. I highly recommend it.

There are many things I want to do as a result of this weekend of introspection. One facet of them is to be still more often, to spend more time in thought and prayer and reflection, to get writing again, and to actually practice self-discipline about it. So I'm resurrecting the blog.

Earlier this year I started a list of "Things I'm Striving For" -- qualities I want to posses, words I want to use to be able to describe myself -- and I've been adding to it over the past few months. Right now there are 25 items on the list, and every day, I'm going to write about one of them -- what it means, why it's important, how it looks as part of my life, and what the challenges are for getting there. A bit self-indulgent, perhaps; but I need some discipline to get me writing again, and I feel like this is a good place to start.


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"I need to watch to watch the wind blowing on the sea; let me hear it slowly, rustling the trees. City people move, too fast for me. . .funny how time flies away, funny how it flies." - Peter and the Wolf